She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
