i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
