dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
