all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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