apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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