I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
