Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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