the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
