i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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