Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize