then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize