I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
