i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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