somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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