dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
