the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Randomize