I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Randomize
