plz talk dirty to me
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
