So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
