i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize