He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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