I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
