every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
