theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
