Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
