You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
