So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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