last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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