Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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