The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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