a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
