If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
