i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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