Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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