so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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