My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
