dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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