My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Farmville is her only friend.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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