I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
