What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
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