Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
