How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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