ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
