sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
