I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize