If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
