my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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