so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
