If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
