Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
