I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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