Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
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