Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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