it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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