The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Randomize
