I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize