Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
