So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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