forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
