i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
