We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
