I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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