I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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