dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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