you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
