I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Randomize
