I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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