i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
