I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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